Dec 29, 6:05 pm
I’m not a Christian. I like Christmas because it’s shiny, tacky, and over-indulged. Its unashamed gluttony of all things materialistic amuses me, from the manicness that grips shoppers to the absolute rubbish broadcasters get to roll out on television in the name of festive repeats.
I like how, for the majority of us, things just stop. Back home to the parents, or perhaps visiting your in-laws. Once a year we give over our (my) hectic, frantic life to a period trapped in gaudy metallic wrapping paper and cold turkey, even if just for a couple of days. Slumped infront of the television glaring at the Queen. Dozing throughout the day just because there’s nothing better to do. It’s not necessarily enjoyable, it’s not even necessarily pleasant, but there is something calming about occasionally giving yourself over to a nationwide coma. It is inevitable. It is the ITV Abba special of our life scheduling.
So what little items under the tree helped make your coma slightly more enjoyable, bearable, palatable? What items distracted you when Grandma was lunging for your Auntie armed with a barrage of tinsel and gin-fuelled rage?
For me, my little item was red, with two screens and a stylus.
This year, the “Heroic Efforts Towards Maintaining Sanity” prize undoubtedly goes to my Nintendo DS.
Aah, DS. How do I love thee? And yet, when we first met, how I scorned you. Mocked you. Dismissed you. Too many times had I dabbled with other handhelds, only to leave them gathering dust upon my shelf. I had lost faith. I was convinced my purchase was in error, and that I would grow tired of you. How wrong I was.
It’s true, you vanquished the dragons of tedium in all of my bus / train / tube journeys, as any handheld would be expected to do. But not only that, you exceeded yourself. You integrated yourself into every spare pocket of boredom available in my life - dentist waiting rooms, lunch hours, sleepless nights, restaurants, advertisement breaks, soaking in the bath…
‘Tis now the Playstation(s), Xbox(s) and Gamecube that gather dust upon my shelf.
Of course, a knight in shining red armour is nothing without his or her faithful steed, sword, and big white teeth. Christmas, indeed the second half of 2005, would not have been nearly as much fun without the help of these wonderful companions:
Animal Crossing: Wild World - good God, what on earth can I say about this game without deteriorating to a jibbering wreck? How on earth can I convey to you how many hours I’ve put into this game since I purchased it? I like to think of myself as a fairly well-worded person, but honestly, my vocabulary fails me when I try to express how amazing this game is. How addictive this game is. How utterly, utterly insane this game is. And how wonderful it felt when Pudge the bear said I looked like a monsterous freak. But that’s a whole other story.
Sonic Rush just makes you feel good. And let’s face it, with the way the Sonic franchise has been going lately (yes, I’m looking at you, Shadow), it’s about bloody time. Because Sonic isn’t about being edgy, or dark, or “Ooh, check out my gansta rappin’ digs.” And it’s not about gameplay, or graphics, or storyline either. Infact, I don’t actually know what the hell it’s about. Increasing sales in blue hair dye, perhaps. But the point is, Sonic takes you back to your childhood. Sonic shows you that the world is a good place, full of golden rings, high speeds and big, pointy spikes. Sonic takes you by the hand and allows you to admit that, yes, Noel’s House Party was a pretty good program, and you’re not ashamed to say it. So buy Sonic Rush. Because it’s good.
Nintendogs - Aah, now how could I possibly pay homage to my DS without mentioning this game? One hundred and fourteen walks, eighty-seven bags of dog food, forty-three shampoos, twenty disc competitions, fourteen obedience trials, and many endless, ENDLESS hours of shame and self-loathing. Tell me, how much lower can one stoop when you organise social events around your perfect pooch acquiring a new hat? When you sit next to your friend, not talking, not even looking at each other, as you both wonder if Death and Beastie will make friends and trade fur-balls? Because it’s not just harmless, fluff-filled fun - it is pure, guilt-laden, reputation destroying Class A responsibility. Nintendogs - BAN THIS SICK FILTH NOW. Or alternatively, watch me twittering on about it with Lucky in the video linked below.
Click here to play video (11mb, WMV format, 4:07)
So there you have it. My Christmas picks for 2005. Gosh, I feel rather exhausted now. I probably haven’t done any of them justice, and I suppose I may have put you off buying them forever, but aah well. Less competition for me in the agility trials.
This may be the last time we speak until the big 2006 rolls around. I suppose we could get on our moral high-horses a la Daily Mail and dissect the past twelve months with irritating hindsight, but I can’t be bothered. Can’t you read? I said I’m rather exhausted, see?
So instead, I will say this.
Happy New Year, everybody.
Don’t steal your neighbour’s milk, or draw moustaches on sleeping people. That’s not very nice.
Toodle pip.
