I do not like Guitar Hero II. I will be the first to admit that I’m not very good at it and, yes, this probably does play a factor in my displeasure. However, my point still stands. I don’t like it. Not only that, but it angers me that everyone else loves it so much.

Do you remember when your great great aunty Roslyn would bring round her beautiful Persian cat that everyone loved?  But instead of being a cute and fluffy moggy, it sneaked into your room at night and scratched your face? That’s what Guitar hero is to me. It is adored and loved by all that I meet. Everyone who plays it reveres it as some sort of wonder-game with limitless entertainment value and joyous merriment for all. I, however find myself offering to make the tea and slip off to read a good book whenever it is switched on. I have tried and tried to love it, to embrace it, to nurture in me a motherly Guitar-Hero-II-spirit, but it is not coming easily.

I remember the very first time I played it in the Science Museum at Game On. I tried my best and without quite understanding the need for star power and found it quite good fun. Following this meagre introduction I looked forward to getting GHII when it came out. Unperturbed by the giant box I managed to drag the game home and grab my nearest flatmate for a jamming session. To my horror I hated the game almost instantly, a hate that has since mellowed to a “dislike”.

I dislike the fact that if you play it in a dimly lit room, the constantly scrolling fretboard messes with your mind.  First the surroundings on the television screen start to bow and bend, and then the real world around you begins to warp and move. It is a bizarre visual trick that I am sure Silent Hill should be cashing in on. I also quickly discovered that I only actually know and like about a quarter of the songs in the game - meaning it’s not too inspirational for me.

When I played the game I failed my first song on Medium so I switched to Easy, which is much harder. In Easy the notes don’t fall on all the logical beats - which is annoying - so I went back to Medium.

It even managed to mess with my personal choices.  I wanted Smee for my band name, but was informed that was stupid - so I went for the rather gross choice of ‘Smegma.’ The game clearly didn’t like this and changed my name to ‘Smegum.’ I still don’t know how.

I played with my flatmate taking turns to do a song each for several nights. Here my tea making offerings began and soon turned into complaints of feeling too tired to keep playing or needing to stop to make dinner. I persevered, buoyed along by the enthusiasm of others, and have completed the medium tour. But I never really want to touch the game ever again.

I desperately want to trade it in, but I fear that all my friends would abandon me for someone else who can offer them the delight of plastic guitar tapping. If I ever try and buy Guitar Hero III will someone please pin me to the ground and slap me with a wet fish?